March | 2018 | Never Not Broken

I am 100 days sober today, and I am an emotional wreck.

I spent over an hour meditating yesterday and holy shit, it brought up some STUFF. I’ve been thinking a lot about my early drinking, the pain I was in when I first started back in high school, 16 years ago. I thought about my drinking all through college and grad school, and then when it got really bad in the last few years. It was painful to revisit all those memories.

This morning I just broke down and wept. Tears of sadness and pain mixed with tears of joy: I do not live there anymore. Tears of compassion for myself, for the poor little girl who had no effing clue how to navigate her life and was doing the best she could with the tools she had. Tears of relief that I found a path outward.

I knew my drinking was out of control by around one year ago, but I was not ready to surrender, was not ready to commit to quit. I couldn’t fathom forever. I started to try and put together short stretches of sobriety but looming events like my wedding, bachelorette party, etc., kept me stuck. I couldn’t imagine doing those things sober. I never had a hard time going a couple of weeks without drinking, but the “forever” mentality was tripping me up. Finally in December I said to myself, 100 days. Just go 100 days without alcohol and then decide whether you want to keep going.

By around day 50 I started a daily meditation practice and began meeting with other sober women that I met through Hip Sobriety School. Around day 65, I felt a real shift in my spiritual practice – I am starting to see miracles around me and crying at the beauty of the world and walking around in a haze of freshness and newness – the pink cloud, so to speak.

By around day 75 I knew I wanted to keep going after my 100 days were up, but still wasn’t sure about my wedding. Two days ago, on day 98, I decided I will not drink at my wedding, and started working on a game plan to help me succeed at that task, which just a few months ago seemed not only impossible but horrifically painful. I’m BLOWN AWAY at the changes I’ve seen in myself in this 100 days. I never expected to be sitting in the place I sit today.

I found this poem last summer but I was in too much pain to read it all the way through. I was raw and breaking and every day it felt like I was silently screaming on the inside. I couldn’t read it all the way through. It was too true and I was in too much pain and I never thought I would be ready to quit. But today I can read it and experience its power. Today I am ready for this awakening.

Awakening Now – by Danna Faulds

Why wait for your awakening?

Do you value your reasons for staying small more than the light shining through the open door?

Forgive yourself, Forgive yourself.

Now is the only time you have to be whole. Now. Now is the sole moment that exists to live in the light of your true nature.

Perfection is not a prerequisite for anything but pain.

Please, oh please, don’t continue to believe in your stories of deficiency and failure.

This is the day of your awakening.